This Year

It’s hard to believe the sun is going down on another year. I had so much that I wanted to do. It started out strong, I made terrific strides toward several of my goals. Then in April everything went crashing sideways, like the universe looked at what I wanted to accomplish in my year of new beginnings, chuckled and said “No darling child this is not how your year is going be”.

In April my Mother was having trouble breathing. Even though she was 83 she still worked part time. Her boss saw that she was having trouble one day and told her to go see her doctor. He was not available but his nurse said that if she didn’t get to the ER she would call an ambulance. So I drove her and it was not long before she was admitted to the hospital. This was the beginning of her eight month journey home. Mom was in and out of the hospital several times over the course of four months during which, she learned that her doctor never bothered to tell her how ill she actually was. She knew there were heart issues but had no idea her lungs and kidneys were failing as well. Perhaps he thought he was being kind by not telling her, but by not doing so he robbed her of the opportunity to make lifestyle changes decades ago that may have helped.

That fact is a moot point I guess. He made the decision to not tell her and here she was in stage 5 kidney failure that couldn’t be reversed. Her age and other health issues took the possibility of a transplant or dialysis off the table. So in August she left the hospital and went home under the care of hospice. A kidney specialist told Mom she had two months, but that woman didn’t know what a fighter Mom was.

She wasn’t strong enough to live alone and she didn’t want to be in a nursing home so I stayed with her. It’s very hard watching someone you love slip away from you. I did a lot of research online about kidney failure so I knew what to expect but that knowledge made it more difficult for me as time passed.

On December 9th I was helping Mom get ready for bed. She said she wasn’t feeling well so I gave her a pain pill and called hospice. She wanted to go to the ER and this was not typical of Mom so I knew it wasn’t going to be good. From there she went to a hospice inpatient facility. She was too weak to be safe at home and decided to stay there. It was bitter-sweet because this gave me back the chance to be a daughter instead of a care taker but I still stayed with her.

It was a long trip from April to December and she was so tired of fighting. At 2:50 am on December 17 my Mom went home. Her funeral was today and I am sitting here in her home wondering what now? I’m a little numb, in time my family and I will find a new normal.

So this was my year of new beginnings. I have to say it was not at all what I expected. But, life rarely is and that is part of the journey. Endings are beginnings and every beginning eventually brings us to an end. That is as it should be. Change, even when it is painful is good and necessary if we are going to become the best version of ourselves that we can. I am working to process the emotions and let Mom go but that is hard. I recognise my need some Chakra Work and a good long conversation with Yeshoa but my most immediate need is rest. So I am going to do that…

Good Night
Blessed Be ❤ Sharon